1:17:57 - 4 gust 16
- 19 july 15
On the counter sat some little punch board, with different coloured buttons, like an oldfashioned version of what mcdonald's cashiers use to punch in orders. deciding i wouldn't submit to the changing tides of outrageous price, i flipped the machinery onto the ground and walked out, pleased by every noise of dissent that arose.
far from anywhere i wanted to be, there was a sort of gas station next to the little place. a truck with four fellows sat at a pump and i walked over to chat. though i wasn't sure how to start, my need quickly overrode my awkwardness. i might've mentioned how ridiculous water prices where inside. admitted i needed a ride and asked where they were heading.
'man, it's hot.' i said, realizing i'd left my water bottle with its remaining inches of hydration in the girl's car, but was, out of pride, i suppose unable to walk back into the dingy little building, with its yellow light and linoleum.
they weren't going where i was going but they would get me a lot closer to my destination, if i tagged along. i climbed into the backseat and felt distinctly as if that was precisely where i needed to be at that moment in time. safe. and making quick, genuine friends with all of them. the fellow sitting in the front got dropped off at something like his home and i switched to the front seat. i found my water bottle and drank, smiling and thinking 'i am magic.' there still wasn't much, but it was very cold. and i was happy.
we started to drive away again and see this...metal cylinder with a propeller and a vent on its front, launch into the sky and head near us...we drove away, always out of the blast, as it grew and grew and turned into a dome of fire and light. we talked about the sudden loss. we talked about how it was like they wouldn't allow such a neat little place exist in a poor region. too much culture for a place that was supposed to be so 'backwards', as we watched the small city's downtown arts region burn.
7:11:04 - 22 june 15
there were other things going on. some sort of mystery to solve. but all i remember now is her. it seems important. i always wonder, when i dream of friends who've passed away, whether it was a real visit from their spirit...she'd be a long way from home. but maybe it took this long for her to get as far as the desert. i went through a very immobilizing depression after i found out she'd killed herself. maybe that called her to me. spiritual echoes that happened years ago, still ringing out into the ether...
- 23 pril 15
- 3 jan 15
i feel like i have a lot of dreams of running through buildings. as if my childlifetime of being told to not run down the hall has instilled in me a churlish longing to go bolting down crowded corridors.
it was an awesome dream.
- 31 ober 14
symbolism seems a bit heavy-handed, there, brain.
'did i just see you punch a golfball?'
'don't worry about that,' he said in his stern authoritative way, swinging the club.
- 29 june 14
i also remember it being completely dark at some point after and i laid on the concrete floor and realized i'd found a dip where i could lie perfectly flat and not be squishing my face.
i'm really glad to have remembered some of my bizarre dreams. it's been a while since anything more than a tiny fragment has shone through.
5:59 a.m. - 2012-11-30
and we carried on becoming friends, i feel, talking about theatre and things, and my ear did adjust to his dialect. until, annoyed and more certain of my abandonment, i asked him if i could use the smart phone he was brandishing about but not really doing anything with. and i tried and tried to get my own phone to give me my boyfriend's number so that i could call him on the working device i'd borrowed, but it just would not work. i was trying to make my little call quickly but my phone was useless, stalling and changing format as i fiddled with it and i finally figured that i'd have to find it somehow with the smartphone. i managed to call him and they returned. i was upset with them. i think they were saying something like we thought you were right behind us. and i asked my boy how he managed to not notice that i wasn't there. did you never look back and wonder where i was?
then we were at this cabin place and they were watching tv. and i pulled out a cord from the thing and rolled it up and threw it outside. and they fiddled with the remote and found that what i'd taken didn't entirely prevent them from watching tv, so i found the thicker, power cord and threw it outside. i then went to try and find the first coord, not wanting to be so churlish as to scatter a piece that alone wouldn't let them keep watching...but as i looked around at a dirt area somehow full of cords, i couldn't seem to find the one that i'd first tossed.
the white flowers and the french fellow were really nice.
4:13 p.m. - 2012-11-26
11:33 a.m. - 2012-11-19
8:47 p.m. - 2012-11-18
3:40 p.m. - 2012-11-15
1:05 p.m. - 2012-11-14
12:46 p.m. - 2012-09-24
'i think i had a dream that i drank all of the honey whiskey and spent time with my dad.'
1:20 a.m. - 2012-06-18
the only other specific moment i remember was her saying something like 'we're being pretty civil this time.' and i didn't say anything, maybe nodded a little. and though i still quite keenly felt that she was not to be allowed back into my heart at all, we spoke and discussed and were civil.
i definitely think that's progress
5:29 p.m. - 2012-04-14
i then went back to sleep for a couple of hours and dreamt of being in a large hall (like a place with a bunch of big rooms for parties and conferences) that somewhat resembled the church my parents attend. i was roving about doing unmemorable things when i started skating down the long, broad hallway that slopes gradually in some places, gliding on the thin leather sole of my moccasins. it was quite a joy. i went back to the top to tend to some business and an alarm broke out. there was a fire in a room i'd just passed so i went running back and awoke
5:37 p.m. - 2012-01-06
"from what i remember i think u were with me at the beginning but then u were dead and i don't remember how but i knew and no one else did. and after a week everyone was asking me what happened to u because to everyone else u'd just gone missing and i kept telling everyone i didn't know anything. but for some reason i felt really guilty like it had been my fault but i couldn't remember any details. towards the end i was at this old house and everyone was out on the front porch and it was dark outside, but for most of the dream it was dark... actually i don't think i remember light or a sun at all, the power was out too so the only light was candle light. i left everyone outside and went up stairs to like a small den/office that kinda looked like it had been decorated by an old lady. there were stairs leading up into it from one side and one of those doorway without a door cut outs into another room that i didn't go into. I was also having this dream as if I were an omnipresent observer. i remember pacing and wishing there was something i could do to bring u back and then all of a sudden the phone rang and when i answered it started like it was a telemarketer for something but somehow there was like an underlining message that i could sacrifice myself to bring u back. so some how with an understanding from somewhere that i had one freebie i sacrificed myself but was fine and u were back and told me u were never really gone and i wanted to tell everyone what happened but u wanted to leave it in the past. Weird huh?"
2:16 p.m. - 2011-12-12
Stop, stop, I can't do this. You look like Elvis-every-character-you've-ever-played, giggling uselessly. And he breaks character to bobble in amused failure.
9:32 p.m. - 2011-08-27
(it sounds like someone on a motorcycle is going around in circles up and down the street in front of my house. i wonder what they're looking for.)
i was standing in a room with my roommate and i hear her voice down the hall. i walked into a room where the boy's sitting on a bed and she's sitting on the hardwood floor. there's a round disk on the very edge of the bed, near her. i threw it, pieces of it coming apart and flying off in scattered directions, saying "What the fuck're you doing here? Get out of my house." and her face blanched and twisted with tears. and i felt very little sympathy.
1:28 p.m. - 2011-07-02
i dreamt i was in new york. i'd just come there. i remember walking around the small, town-like part of the city i was in, enough so that i still have a sort of map of the place in my mind. i have the notion that my place wouldn't be ready for those first few days and she'd said i could stay the night. when i got to the place, a little house stuffed with interesting little things and the trappings of life (a messy kitchen, with a thick wooden cutting board on a tile counter), with a sort of deep salmon pink/orange wallpaper...when i first got there, only her mother was home. and i discovered for the first time that her mother was blind. she had very blonde hair and thick, straight bangs.
i was exhausted and she was very kind and i went to sleep on a pure white-clad daybed. i'd only just awoken, having some time to gaze around and feel alone, the mother not in view and being silent where ever she was, when my friend came in. i didn't dream her proper face, as seen in pictures. but she was still very lovely. a wider, more cat-like nose. red hair that looked curly in degrees...when i could see all of her, her hair was only gently curly, really more like very tousled, all the way to, only being able to see an edge of her and it looking like she had permed a perm...ridiculous, tiny, tight curls that stuck out impossibly.
i said hey, thanks for letting me stay over, i wouldn't've had anywhere else to go last night. she bustled around, saying it was nothing. she noted how cluttered the kitchen was and asked if i'd help out, she was about to cook a meal. i said of course, i just have to pee really badly. i would've left this part out but that the bathroom was very interesting to have dreamt...it was very small, hardly enough space for the toilet, which seemed to be on a raised platform that was tilted forward, so that you didn't have to bend your knees much to sit, which was fortunate, as the door, when closed, was hardly a foot away from my face. and it was a window door. i've never actually seen one so small and narrow. so while sitting on this tilted toilet, with its completely clear window that took up most of the door, i felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable and awkward. there were blinds gathered at the top, and i poked at them, but i didn't see how you were supposed to let them drop. but she didn't seem to think twice about it as we carried on chatting idly and so i got over it and peed.
i remember talking and meeting some of her friends and it all being very pleasant but nothing distinct enough to remember. the only other part i remember is later, sitting on the porch with the mother, who had been picking strawberries or something...she'd gone to pick them but hadn't been able to locate as many as she would've liked to. and i suppose the house was split down the middle because there were neighbors who shared the porch. we were sitting on her side, at a rough little wooden table with little wooden chairs. and a boulder of a man, with a wide mouth and big round glasses came out. i got a strange jolt from him but he sat and gazed idly and said only a perfunctory greeting. shortly though he was joined by about four other of the other side's inhabitants, all large and hulking and looking far too crammed into their small portion of the porch, and i believe then, he mentioned that it didn't look like she'd gotten many strawberries, smiling in a way that raised my hackles.
i said 'you have a darkness in your heart. i don't know how it got there or why it stays but it'll destroy you some day.'
and i wanted to continue but the sweet mother whispered at me urgently, 'you're being passive!'
and i immediately said a child-like, 'I'm sorry,' and fell silent.
9:26 a.m. - 2011-06-03
all i want is some bacon, i thought to myself. but it seemed like the place was a sea of hip-level half walls that eternally prevented you from getting to where you wanted to be. and no one seemed to be working there, the people sitting just seemed to be magically in on some secret that i was ignorant of.
i spotted my person. i managed to make my way to him and asked if he'd sit with me while i ate a strawberry pancake. he said a teasingly begrudging 'i guuuesssss.'
then there was a jump...stuff i don't remember. but it involved me being on edge and uneasy. later, i thought i saw someone being killed outside of a window sheathed in blinds. i was stricken. when i realized that was not in fact the case, i curled to him, emotionally defeated, desperate for the comfort
but i awoke amused.
10:29 p.m. - 2011-05-11
i remember her face very clearly. maybe i'll meet her some day.
7:46 p.m. - 2011-05-10
12:37 p.m. - 2011-05-07
10:17 p.m. - 2011-04-26
the unfinished road curved up about 100 feet into the air, surrounded by messy building equipment. we got out of the car and were looking around for a moment before i remember seeing them filing through a doorway. i stood in the way to block the path as i said very seriously...'Look, though, you have to just let me drive. I can't handle loosing control like that again,'
and then i awoke.
4:27 p.m. - 2011-03-29
3:30 p.m. - 2011-02-26
there i found a large, very high ceiling'd hall...like a dance hall, but completely empty. the walls were white and upon them were...thick wicker baskets full of jelly beans...about two feet long and less than a foot wide. i leapt up on the wall at basket 55 and tore it down, landing on my feet again while cradling a trough of dull colored jelly beans. i knew that one of these beans contained the woman creature's soul, so i started walking back out of the room and towards where i'd been, feeling triumphant. every time i looked away from the basket in my arms, the vessel would get smaller and imposter beans would fall away...but there were so many that i didn't notice until they had diminished grandly. testing the theory, i glanced away once more, returning to find that there were but about five or six left in a small round tin, just like from a tea light. i was very cautious to keep my eyes on them, not wanting to lose the soul and with it, my only hope of escape...
so i ate them. and vaguely felt that i now held all the cards.
one of them tasted awful and i wondered idly, as i strolled back along the way i'd come, if that had been the soul bean.
there was so much more before this...i keep getting odd sensations and the slightest feeling of intriguing memories...but it's escaped me.
i do remember that after this escapade, i was sitting at a round table and across from me there sat, in this order, a girl, a boy, and his girlfriend. i hadn't been paying attention to the conversation, but all of a sudden, the girl climbed in his lap and they started having sex. the girlfriend didn't seem to mind, in fact after a moment, he put the girl in his girlfriends lap and carried on at what was apparently a more comfortable arrangement. i quietly pondered this and why our friends had decided to make the situation so awkward. and then i traveled back to my mind and body and awoke.
i wonder by what magic the jelly beans were able to stay in those wicker trays while they were on the wall...
5:41 p.m. - 2011-01-22
i remember a large and solemn looking woman who i've never met before and someone who i think might've been my boyfriend's uncle were both sitting behind a small table...the woman gave my guy a large box barely wrapped in tissue paper. it was a large bottle of whiskey. then she pulled another bottle out from under the table, the tissue paper falling off as she brought it out and set it forcefully down before me, the wood beneath it crying KOMMM. she said something like "I hope that suits your tastes." it was a handle of cabo wabo. i was very impressed, that's a fairly expensive bottle to just give someone, and i had the sense that i didn't know the people terribly well. but by the same token it terrified me to some degree, having this beastly bottle in my possession - i usually have some sense of when to stop while drinking...for some reason, i don't experience this benefit when tequila's involved. the actual me has no sense of moderation with tequila. i like it too much and it stomps on me the next day. i fumbled in my fear-laced gratitude, saying something like, "Oh definitely, I love tequila. I really appreciate it."
5:24 p.m. - 2011-01-17
I went running as fast as i could across the field and jumped and destroyed parts of the kiosks, like it was my job. and then i awoke, feeling bizarre and amused
4:57 p.m. - 2011-01-17
"I'm not really knowledgeable enough yet to, parry and the like...Take it easy," i requested. i think i had felt there would be some instruction, but there had only been the attack. even though i have actually had some experience with fencing with sabres, in the dream, i didn't know what i was doing at all. maybe it was more that the weird things we were using were so much shorter...a particular style that i wasn't used to. they came again and i deflected, feeling with great clarity the strangeness of fighting with the three-sided ruler in my hand.
and that's all i recall
11:49 a.m. - 2010-12-08
and the memories i was recalling weren't the actual things that happened but dream-memories...
i remembered standing at the back of a very high, white and cream balcony to a white pink and cream church. i remember some drama between mourners...the service a thing of grandeur. an elaborate sea of flowers.
when in reality, it was small...simple. in a small church. poorly attended because he outlived just about all of the friends he'd made throughout his life. outlived most of his blood relatives, except a sister and his children.
i bought a 12-pack of yoohoo.
11:21 a.m. - 2010-11-19
that's all. i didn't think i'd been dreaming close enough to waking to remember anything but that just came back to me...in that unnerving way that's happened increasingly...where i have to realize that something couldn't have actually happened before i realize it's a dream memory.
1:48 p.m. - 2010-08-05
"I hate this grid bullshit!" i said at one point as i struggled to navigate this holey floor.
"It's mostly over there," my friend g.h. said, gesturing where there was all but no floor. but there was still the occasional straggler that was empty, apart from the general area.
somethings happened that i can't remember now but the next thing i remember is that most everyone left, except for me and her and my boyfriend, who was fetching the car or something...we were by a street at night. she was sitting in a chair and i was sitting on the ground behind her chair. it seemed like a little alcove...a protected area. there was a wall at my back and to at least one side of us. we talked, i can't remember about what anymore...and something felt a little healed between us.
then it was day and my boyfriend and i were in a pretty little part of a town...a quaint sort of place where there was a nice residential area right next to a very calm and spaced out sort of downtown area. i had roller-blades on. i feel like he had some sort of business at one of the houses...like he was going to repair something there. so i got out at the downtown area and said i'd catch up with him. he parked his car within sight of where i stood, so i knew where he was. i skated around the sidewalks, looking at all of the buildings and occasionally stopping to explore further...i remember a churchlike place with a garden of flowers...and then when it came time to find him again, i was lost. i went up street after street and i thought i went to the place where he'd been parked, but he wasn't there. i found my grandmother though and she tried to help me but to no avail. i tried to figure out what to do...i was sort of stranded. he had things i needed in his car, like my keys i believe. i was growing very confident on the skates and reeled around and jumped to my feet any time i went to a knee. she tried to help for a moment but she had errands to run and i was getting very hungry, so i said i'd go eat and then meet her later...
i went into this little shotgun type patio of a place with dark old wood making up the structure...so like there was a larger building that it was attached to but the area where i was was a long straight room, with doors only on the far sides.
and i didn't entirely realize how many bags i'd been carrying with me until i went to take them all off. at the time, i think i only had two small bags. but i somehow had my laptop with me, and i set up camp in this little patio area, though i don't think i ever dream-ate. i was there for a while though and i think some interactions occurred between me and the other people there...i remember hopping up onto my roller-bladed feet after being on my knees for some reason [after helping someone with their computer].
i eventually realized that my granmama might be waiting for me, unsure as to which place i went to satiate my hunger. about this time, i thought that i should probably text my boyfriend and hope that he responded, though for some reason i was not hopeful on that front. so i started gathering together my things as i texted him and my bags began to multiply...i put the two small ones on but then i also had my real-life-purse and a backpack and another strange bag and as i saddled myself with all of these, i realized that i must have a laptop case somewhere as well.
but before i found it, the scene changed impossibly. it wasn't a restaurant anymore, all the tall little circular tables and booths were gone...and it was a room. the same shotgun dark wood patio but a little cozy room with a bed. and it was dark. and there was a girl there, talking to me, though i no longer remember what we spoke about. she was a plump girl, round all about, with a kind face.
i could tell she was flirting with me, which i merely observed with a sort of dull amusement. i felt nothing for her though. i went to lie down once the day was over and she followed me. she was warm and comforting at my side and she all but placed herself so that my hand was at her breast. when i didn't respond, she pulled her shirt away and i gripped her. it seemed like the thing to do.
but then...and this got a little muddled because it wasn't MY boyfriend, but it was an old character's boyfriend...and suddenly i was seeing myself as the character whose mate had just walked in...though i shortly after looked in a mirror and was myself...
so suddenly i didn't see myself as me, i saw myself as t. and m. came in. and i removed myself from her immediately and sat up. and he was visibly upset and stormed back out again in a rush.
sitting there, i told her
"You have to leave, I have to make this right."
and two of her friends appeared to accompany her and as they left, they thankfully paid me not a speck of attention, though i indulged in long and intense perusals of their faces. i got up once the door closed behind them and stood at the door, looking forward and thinking, as the sun was beginning to light the world...
i saw the fringe of a person blink into existence...they were transparent at first and then, in flashes, grew more solid until it stopped flashing and seemed to be stable. and i thought vaguely That's where my spirit guide would stand, as it was back and to my right. all i could see of it was the very edge of its side. without moving, i reached for its hand. it shied away from the gesture but i said "Just let me hold your hand," feeling miserable for my indiscretion. and my hand closed around hers and having a grip on this ethereal creature, i turned to look into its face and it was kelley.
for some reason, she said, in a sort of resigned exasperated tone, "I'll clean the towels."
i squeezed her hand and felt the weight of her in my grip. i fell to my knees, weeping in light of everything, and i wrapped my arms around her waist, pressing my face to her stomach, feeling the give of her flesh against my muscles. i mumbled as many I'm so sorry's as i could through tears
and goddamnit then i woke up...LONGING to go back to sleep but my mind buzzing with all that it had just seen so that i knew i'd never drop back off
2:16 p.m. - 2010-08-03
i retraced my steps. i think that's why i remember all of this so well. in the dream, i thought about all i had just dreamt.
and then i woke up. feeling desperate to drift back off...i had things to do in my dreams...people to find, a river to swim...
6:33 p.m. - 2010-06-21
i also vaguely remember her trying to talk to me and constantly answering with closing doors in her face and saying LEAVE ME ALONE DAMNIT I DON'T LIKE YOU I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU
and as always there was more but i can't remember too well and recounting it would influence me to make up stuff to fill the gaps with. and that's not what i'm trying to do here so here we end
2:45 p.m. - 2010-05-27
one of those dreams you're really grateful to have woken up from.
10:53 p.m. - 2010-05-14
and as i sat there in my grief, i hear game sounds. i look around and find a man sitting in some of the seats to my right, who must've been at least in his fifties, playing a nintendo ds. with the sound on. and unable to contain myself, i said - What's wrong with you! This is my family! You could at least turn the volume off, you cock sucker!
and he looked like the old man with the book in the never ending story and he stared at me like ehh who gives a fuck, from behind round red glasses.
and i have largely neglected paragraphing because it all seemed to occur very quickly
11:31 p.m. - 2010-05-04
it was interesting to have such a distinct thought in a dream that wasn't spoken dialogue. i'm not sure i've ever experienced that so clearly before. it's usually more a matter of things happening or being talked about than being thought of.
3:44 p.m. - 2010-02-20
9:25 a.m. - 2009-12-18
mentioning to someone....well, this is an interesting little ability.
the meaning of these things escapes me almost entirely, though usually i feel i have some sense of what my mind is trying to say...i think i've taken more to just wandering aimlessly through the dream world.
1:05 p.m. - 2009-12-11
and lance and jono were doing lasso tricks.
i mostly wanted to remember about the lasso tricks
2:41 p.m. - 2009-12-07
i dreamt that i was over at the boy's house and she came in. as soon as she left the room (but was probably still in earshot) i said Damnit can't I go one night without having to see her? At which point she quickly made sure that she was not where i was though i dunno if she exactly left.
and then rea was there. and i was so glad to see him. i hugged him for a long time, soaking in that feeling that he took with him, and grateful that he decided to visit me. i don't remember if we said anything to one another but i do remember that once i let go of him, he turned into someone else that i didn't recognize. a white boy with a big nose. i think this was the true him leaving and my mind replacing him with the first face it thought of...to let me know the difference between imagined rea and the real thing.
and later on i had dreams in the perspective of one of my characters...a male vampire" consequently. and he went on a horrific romp in this strange, dark land where there was a castle with trick doors and confusing passageways and the like.
okay off i dash!
2:37 p.m. - 2009-11-27
i have, for some unexplained reason, had to replace someone in a show very suddenly, a day's notice, perhaps, so that i don't really have proper time to learn the part and am, consequently, forced to simply do the best i can with as much as i do know.
the same issue, but several different scenarios where this has been the case...i remember vaguely that one of the first of these...as far as i can remember now, at any rate...i was filling in as one of the ugly step sisters in a production of cinderella.
last night, i dreamt that i had come in late to a production as an ensemble dancer. i don't think i dreamt much of the play surrounding the dance numbers...and i even remember having done the dance well enough the night before. but on the night of the final performance, earlier in the day, i got dosed and, upon needing to perform, couldn't remember my exits or entrances nor the correct progression of the steps, though i followed along as best i could. we were dressed in silly egyptianesque costumes, a piece of which i couldn't manage to tie behind my neck while backstage...and any time i tried to quietly ask one of the other performers to remind me what i was supposed to do, they seemed to forget that i'd only been working on the show since the day before and seemed to not understand why on earth i could possibly be asking for help.
i was dreamtripping though so i simply did the best i could, amusing myself and following along, though i probably felt most silly for not managing to get my neck-dress thingy tied before i had to rush on stage.
i do enjoy dreaming up theatres to run around in, whether i know what i'm doing or not.
2:20 p.m. - 2009-10-10
4:21 p.m. - 2009-10-03
but i was having the most crazy dreams...i'm only remembering patchy bits. but as often happens i remember in large the settings...one being a cemetery decorated in these strange dark metallic colors, with a sinister air and full of interested yet chilling displays around the graves. i wish i could remember more of the cemetery, as i do know that we toured it for what seemed like quite a while. i mostly remember leaving, with the hideous display of a mangled and metallic flower-patch-esque, passing under the awning of the church on the premises...and i remember reading that they were not the sort of church that had services, due to lack of staff, as though they wished that they were able - though naturally it was worded much differently on the sign, i just can't quite remember how. i couldn't imagine people who would frequent such a dismally terrifying place every sunday morning.
as we were returning from our tour of that place, the street we were on was a small two-lane cutting through large fields on either side. there was what i can only assume was a man dressed as a giant peach monster thing and as we zoomed past all of these absurd large figures that, though they were not giant peaches, were other weird large things traveling through the field, i screamed (for fun, as, after the unsettling cemetery, these beasts were strange but certainly not as worrisome - actually pretty comical) and the peach wheeled around to look at me with a strange expression on its eyeless (but it did have a mouth) face - as though i was bad for having disturbed his trek and diverted his attention to myself.
then i guess we got back to the city. and i was at a place i identified as garret's (though i had some level of ownership over the place as well), and i was getting into the secret sort of place in his house where i kept certain things, like the book i'd been wanting to read. but i was having such a hard time with it that i was resolving to remove all of my belongings from the high rooms and keep them in a more accessible area. you had to jump from a staircase to a platform that had a fake-ice sculpture placed upon it...the sculpture had a steep incline that you had to balance on the very topmost edge of in order to reach the ceiling where you could push away the planks and find the point of access to the rooms above, which i guess you would've had to hoist yourself up with a very little help from the sculpture and mostly upper arm strength. i don't remember actually achieving this, but shortly after my struggles with it, there were a lot of people hanging out up there (it was really rather spacious for attic-like rooms), so i imagine that the part i can't quite remember is being helped up by a friend. once up there, i felt fonder of the place and relented in removing my possessions.
following, there was a bit where i had a very small roller on the bottom of my right foot and i used it to zoom through underground, parking-deck-like passages until i returned home from a back-route. it was raining by then and there were still people in the attic, so i returned there and as they lounged around, i noticed that the thin roof was leaking rather a lot. but garret didn't seem concerned so i didn't let it worry me and simply stepped out from under the dripping area.
i probably didn't capture half of how bizarre these dreams were. i only wish i had that sort of literary prowess. but really, words alone probably can't capture it. maybe i should do a painting.
11:31 a.m. - 2009-08-09
i was originally dreaming of something very strange and fucked up that i won't recount, as i only remember the worst of it now. but with each alarm, it seemed to be a new dream. But apparently it was some psychotic rage shit that I'm gonna redact, 'cause rereading that shit just now was embarrassing.
1:17 p.m. - 2009-08-04
he claimed the land, needing a place to live. it was very open air and seemed to be a storage place. the conversation that followed was calm and sweet and not in my memory enough to transcribe. but it was an interesting dream
11:38 a.m. - 2009-07-30
1:53 p.m. - 2009-07-29
it's strange being a female sometimes. i have no desire to have children, because i know the devastation that it would inflict upon my freedom and touch-and-go financial situation. but at the same time, the more instinctual part of me knows the bond of devotion that a baby would illicit from me...knows that i would be a good mother.
i'll just stick to my dream-babies though thanks.
11:59 a.m. - 2009-07-25
there was so much more though...pairs of people moving enormous tables into a hall...an aerial view of the name of a friend etched into the mud so that puddles formed the capital letters, the small pools of collected water reflecting the sun in a beautiful way - and the briefest moment when i was wondering what possibly possessed him to do such a thing, though i think the answer ended up being that it was an attempt at procuring help.
2:25 p.m. - 2009-07-04
god i wish he were here
12:12 a.m. - 2009-07-01
anyway so i think the "first" one, a lot of us were at a restaurant and i had ordered a sweet tea...and for some reason i got left. i saw a car pulling off and i wasn't ready so i at at the end of a table, deciding to drink my drink before i rushed off after them. and there was a table full of acquaintances next to me, the only person i really remember being there being krystine. i looked across at them and smiled and nodded and then it occurred to me that i could get a tea to go and after one more solitary moment i got up and went to the hostess stand, i guess it would be, and asked rather impatiently for a tea, though the impatience wasn't directed at them so much as at my abandoning friends.
in another instance, after a bit of cuddling in actuality, in my dream i thought that there had been someone else sleeping in the room, our friend nick. and it felt odd that i hadn't realized until afterward. in the same set of dreams, i dreamt that i dreamt that my mother told me that she and my father were probably going to jail for not paying their taxes for sixteen years. and in the dream i woke up and told him about it and was like isn't that crazy and then i talked to my mom again and it was the same instance, she was like You know what's up. while hurrying over a countertop full of papers.
there was some other little thing with krystine that i can't quite recall. it might've been before the car pulling off thing, while we were still in a restaurant. but it seems like she came over to our table and sat down for a moment but i don't really remember anything else...
in another instance, i dreamt that gus and i were in the front seats of a car while garret sat in the center of the back. we were going through the drive through at a sit-down-type restaurant and it was taking a very very long time and garret, who hadn't wanted any food, was like Can we get out of here while I'm still young?!
i woke up hungry. go figure.
1:29 p.m. - 2009-06-25
at some point this guy fired a rpg into this structure that i can't really recall and i was like DUDE WHAT THE FUCK MY PETS ARE IN THERE and he was like woah seriously? and I was like Yeah! My lion and two monkeys!
The lion was very sweet and had mixed results when it came to being around dogs.
i don't really recall much else, but if that is any indicator, i reckon the rest was pretty fucking weird too.
7:33 p.m. - 2009-05-13
i dreamt that i was sitting on a bed with christy, a blanket over us. she asked if i wanted to do anything and i said you know...i've spent nearly two years in celibacy. i think it'll take a great deal to get me to break it. i prefer it this way.
and it felt strange to have said it in such terms, in my dreamworld.
if it were real life though, i don't know that i would say no.
12:53 p.m. - 2009-05-09
and as it slowly came back to me...yea. yep. pretty weird.
as usual, there was more before this part that i can't remember...i think the place was a lot like gus's room but there was carpet all over instead of hardwood floor and it was all dreamweird.
but what i really remember is being alone there. and then i kept thinking i saw a person in these little flashes and then there was someone who looked like trey sitting on the couch and i couldn't speak straight. i went to the ground and was struggling to say his name, desperate to have a human man acknowledge himself as opposed to the other terrifying phantasm option. it was a haunting indeed. and it was just very strange sensationally.
2:20 a.m. - 2009-05-01
but more recently, i dreamt that i was probably about three months pregnant and hadn't really realized it. until suddenly i feel the blazing energy of a football-sized little human in my stomach and have a sense of remembering..as though i could have known and forgotten. and i was a little shocked and horrified at myself because, thinking back on the months previous, i had been drinking and smoking like i usually do, as was my custom.
and as i realized my wrongs and my abstinence began, there was that roaring in my ears as all of the ills of our bodies were being healed and spiritually burned away. and i remember everything looked like a photo negative and i could see through all the flesh to the little shining white skeleton in my belly.
and that is all i can remember.
6:24 p.m. - 2009-04-15
2:37 p.m. - 2009-03-21
But I just remembered a dream-conversation that I felt was worth writing down, as it�s fairly amusing to me. There were a few people in a pool hall type of place, again similar to Henry�s, but different from the one before, and not really structurally resembling that place�it was just a nice, dim little hall that had a bar and pool tables. But I seem to remember being the only girl present, cishet dudes as far as the eye can see. And I don�t remember how we got to the subject except that someone asked me a question. And I said, struggling in the dream to compose my verbal words as I do in life,
I�have never been fucked. Not for lack of opportunity. Something you guys seem to fail to realize is that I�m just as much of a man as you are, tits or not, and I have no interest in being fucked. As I�m sure you can relate.
[problematic processing of things i wouldn't be able to categorize for a while yet. hindsight is weird and maaaan lmfao...my, how things change]
And now I seem to remember the question being in relation to sexual experiences...talk of dildos.
But, though that seems legit, my mind may now just be embellishing the little memory.
I also wanted to relay a dream that I remembered at such an odd moment that I hadn�t thought to catalogue it until now. In my car, I looked at the temperature gauge and it was on hot and it started to glow and be luminescent and I was freaking out. I didn�t remember that this had been a dream until I was in my car, looking at the dial and it occurred to me that it couldn�t�ve actually happened and must've happened in a dream.
12:55 a.m. - 2009-03-13
I am so into you.
and I said...You're so young.
and i don't remember anything else but i seem to remember that ending it.
my dreams remain casual. though i have vague recollections of being chased through a complicated building.
but maybe i'm just making that up.
2:07 a.m. - 2009-02-18
so i said to my friend, shit man they're robbing the place, let's get out of here.
and quietly blew out the flaming thing in my own arms as we veered off on a different path. and something happened between my friend and one of the people lurking about and we had to run.
and i was thinking how best not to get killed.
i have a sense of other happenings but no memory.
12:37 p.m. - 2009-02-13
he said you're playing, right.
and i didn't say anything.
i dreamt many other things that have been coming back to me, but i can only hold onto for a moment...little things, silly things. i told caroline that i enjoyed her more and more every time i got to see her perform. and i dreamt that i let chaucer, my cat, out for the night.
and just now i was looking out of the window of the front door and found that he was looking up at me from the other side. he must've snuck out when everyone got home last night.
1:05 a.m. - 2009-02-13
tongues touched and that was it.
would it were that simple.
10:50 p.m. - 2009-02-04
and then i remember there being some sort of liking sentiment, however.
and i was like um...thanks.
not feeling offended. merely curious.
and i have a vaguest recollection of actual hobos trying to climb into the hollow of a rotten tree...but no context remains.
7:41 p.m. - 2009-01-25
i don't remember much else. i remember sitting in a circle of people and vaguely remember someone fighting. i remember someone having a pair of my underwear, semi-displayed, in their hotel room.
12:55 p.m. - 2009-01-22
only in the dream it's in front of a white door and i also have little avatar in my hand. and then i remember that it's illegal and start stuffing the bag into too-small pockets.
there was more. more interaction. but, as usual, there is no remembering it.
7:02 p.m. - 2009-01-19
3:22 a.m. - 2009-01-08
the rest is fuzzy and i worry i've been adding things to the true and simple memory. but i think i explained myself and my part...the lies i told, the reasons behind them, and how thankful i was that it had been corrected. i remember her understanding. i remember things being healed. and i had her back. i had a second chance too.
it was a good dream. i wish i could remember it more strongly. and i hope she visits me again.
3:55 a.m. - 2008-12-28
and that's all i remember, looking up at this giant faceless rooster we'd hoisted up into the air.
3:42 a.m. - 2008-12-11