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1:17:57 - 4 gust 16
i went into this church, where there was a toilet in the middle of the sanctuary [though it was nicely surrounded by you could see everything but only those approaching from behind could see your butt]. i had to pee so i went for it. and as i took a piss, a service started and people began strolling in. this all seemed very casual. but when i finished, i wandered off to the right in search of a sink to wash my hands and ended up in a highschool-level class that was being taught by lucy lawless. where, again, at first i was the only one in attendance. but then actual highschool age kids started filing in. they were all very encouraging and, despite what must've been nonsequiturs to them [as i casually mentioned things like not having done this {highschool work} in so long...], no one ever seemed to cotton on to the fact that i'm 30. i ran out the moment the bell rang [as if that had actually guided my attendance] and flew a little bit in the grassy lawn before this odd, majestic [af] building. feeling invincible, i then ran out into traffic in an attempt to get to my car, that was parked across the street, and managed all right until a black van whizzed past extremely close and i awoke...

and in this dream was a thing i'm very fond of, where i have the sense of knowing an entire imaginary town, rather than only being aware of what's immediately around me..


- 19 july 15
i dreamt that i hitched a ride with a girl in a white shirt with large blue pieces of glitter stuck to it. turns out she was going to a reunion of some sort. i went to buy a large water at this place and it rang up as 16.48. I was outraged. It was a large bottle of water but I found the price absurd. I made a big deal about it, fueled by outrage and passing little comments of 'Oh, it's so hot, everyone better get a water.' 'Seriously? It's a fuckin bottle of water, how is it sixteen dollars?' The cashier, old white feller, muttered some little something, not looking me in the face. 'You're gonna do this to people, on a hot day like this?' i demanded, feeling like i was being taken advantage of for not being part of the reunion. the price dropped down to 10.14 and i still found that unacceptable. 'Oh, it's ten now? That's still ridiculous,' 'Ma'am, that's the price...'

On the counter sat some little punch board, with different coloured buttons, like an oldfashioned version of what mcdonald's cashiers use to punch in orders. deciding i wouldn't submit to the changing tides of outrageous price, i flipped the machinery onto the ground and walked out, pleased by every noise of dissent that arose.

far from anywhere i wanted to be, there was a sort of gas station next to the little place. a truck with four fellows sat at a pump and i walked over to chat. though i wasn't sure how to start, my need quickly overrode my awkwardness. i might've mentioned how ridiculous water prices where inside. admitted i needed a ride and asked where they were heading.

'man, it's hot.' i said, realizing i'd left my water bottle with its remaining inches of hydration in the girl's car, but was, out of pride, i suppose unable to walk back into the dingy little building, with its yellow light and linoleum.

they weren't going where i was going but they would get me a lot closer to my destination, if i tagged along. i climbed into the backseat and felt distinctly as if that was precisely where i needed to be at that moment in time. safe. and making quick, genuine friends with all of them. the fellow sitting in the front got dropped off at something like his home and i switched to the front seat. i found my water bottle and drank, smiling and thinking 'i am magic.' there still wasn't much, but it was very cold. and i was happy.

we started to drive away again and see this...metal cylinder with a propeller and a vent on its front, launch into the sky and head near us...we drove away, always out of the blast, as it grew and grew and turned into a dome of fire and light. we talked about the sudden loss. we talked about how it was like they wouldn't allow such a neat little place exist in a poor region. too much culture for a place that was supposed to be so 'backwards', as we watched the small city's downtown arts region burn.


7:11:04 - 22 june 15
i dreamt of alice. it was a busy dream. sometimes i dream of this more social version of myself, i think. and i was moving around this house, doing a lot of things...and every time i'd walk past one room, beyond the open door, alice would be doing something goofy. making a face at first. the next time, her face covered in some sorta warboy makeup, a mild escalation in goofiness, the third time, her head and arms in her sweater. and just the fact that it's her and she was trying so hard to amuse me, i fell on the floor and couldn't stop laughing. she was in actuality a very serious, reserved person. but then, i didn't actually know her very well. at one point later her hair was down and i pulled her to me and might've kissed her. but it's hard to remember.

there were other things going on. some sort of mystery to solve. but all i remember now is her. it seems important. i always wonder, when i dream of friends who've passed away, whether it was a real visit from their spirit...she'd be a long way from home. but maybe it took this long for her to get as far as the desert. i went through a very immobilizing depression after i found out she'd killed herself. maybe that called her to me. spiritual echoes that happened years ago, still ringing out into the ether...


- 23 pril 15
i dreamt about that pier again! i remembered the place well but until i read back a few dreams, i'd forgotten how ridiculous that one had been. on day four of a series of intense dreams, this one...who could guess how i got there but the first thing i remember is being on a seat that was clipped to a very thin ledge...probably 100 feet up, grassiness below...i looked down and considered the flimsiness of the seat, the only thing keeping gravity from ripping me from my perch...and carefully navigated toward more solid ground. there was a room beyond the ledge, with lighting i'd associate with early 90's hole-in-the-wall biker bars. there was a tv on [and i was really amused to realize later that day that ellie kemper, her hair brown and frizzed weirdly, had been on the screen] and an open door that led to the pier... i remember looking across the broad, wooden walkways, separated by water, to the mall i dashed through. man, i'd really like for that to blossom...have amazing, recurring locations where weird things happen. work on that, subconscious.


- 3 jan 15
i had a wild fuckin dream. involving a murderous music festival being held on a wharf. a room full of skulls. running through an adjacent shopping mall and ending up pretending to be a unit head, talking to a secretary though an intercom...'yeah, go ahead and do that.'

i feel like i have a lot of dreams of running through buildings. as if my childlifetime of being told to not run down the hall has instilled in me a churlish longing to go bolting down crowded corridors.

it was an awesome dream.


- 31 ober 14
one side of my family is a touch estranged at the moment. from my perspective, my aunt kind of descended into madness taking care of my grandmother until she passed away last year. and i don't think my dad's seen her or her children since. i dreamt that it was one of these cousin's wedding. and i realized that there was something in my hands i needed to deliver...though i can't remember what it was now. so i went to the back of the sanctuary, where the wedding procession was beginning and started to walk through. i stood aside, with the vague sense that i needed to get to the back of the space...and would be able to once everyone else had gone through. my father walked up as my cousin was getting ready to go past and said, 'give me a kiss.' and she hesitated for a milisecond before saying no and marching on. and he walked away. i dreamt that i walked into her home, looking for something...i took my shoes off and slinked through the place, to the back of the rooms, to a bedroom where i vaguely feel like i found what i was looking for. and rushed back out, found a shoe and was looking for the other when the new husband came in. i shook my head and said 'don't even worry about it.' i feel like he said something wise. 'can i do anything to help you?' 'do you see another shoe?' i asked. he pointed it out on the cluttered floor and i slipped into my shoes. and before i left, i sat at a table with my cousin and told her how i felt. 'you used me. and rather than take the five seconds it would've taken to kiss his cheek, you dismissed him. and it'd be one thing if you just hadn't wanted to. but that wasn't it. it was that you didn't care.'

symbolism seems a bit heavy-handed, there, brain.


i dreamt that i was walking down the hilly road toward my house. my dad was putting around in the yard and not having an easy time, it would seem.

'did i just see you punch a golfball?'

'don't worry about that,' he said in his stern authoritative way, swinging the club.


- 29 june 14
i vaguely remember having a dream about standing in a circle of superheroes, i think i'd taken a knee. and then i look back and stephen strange was trying to go past me and i was like uh excuse me, doctor, and got out of his way as i marveled at what it felt like to be looking up at that wild, sharp collar, the vivid orangey red, his eyes glowing.

i also remember it being completely dark at some point after and i laid on the concrete floor and realized i'd found a dip where i could lie perfectly flat and not be squishing my face.

i'm really glad to have remembered some of my bizarre dreams. it's been a while since anything more than a tiny fragment has shone through.


5:59 a.m. - 2012-11-30
kind of like snap dragons but softer and more segmented petals
i'd been having a single, continuous dream...even though i can't remember this part now, i recalled part of something that had happened earlier...a show we'd been to see...during the following part. me and the boys were on some kind of vacation with some friends. and we'd been to see a show. we ended up in this odd little field and there was a sloping embankment covered in these lovely white flowers. and they left suddenly, without saying much as to what they were doing. so i kind of felt like they had just gone to do something really quickly and would come fetch me in a few minutes. so i picked a bunch of white flowers and layed on the embankment among the rest of them, smelling them and gradually pulling apart a petal or two every now and then. and after a while, i kind of realized that they'd just left me there, i had the vague sense that i'd been expected to just follow after them without a word. so i get up and look around and there's this fellow standing at a table with his back to the road that he's fairly near to. and i walk over and recognize him from the play we'd been to see earlier in the dream. he was french, though he'd done a very good american accent for the play. and we talked a little bit...there was some slight, subtle flirting occurring and at one point i mentioned that i had a boyfriend and he said something like 'ah, well, with tits like that, i thought...' and i couldn't understand the rest of the sentence. i just said excuse me?? a bit perplexed and aggressive. and after that he became quite mumbly and i, smiling apologetically, had to ask him to repeat himself a few times, saying, "I'm sorry. The only word I caught out of that was '[something i can't remember anymore that started with an s]' I've just never heard your sort of accent much before, it'll take my ear a moment to adjust to it."

and we carried on becoming friends, i feel, talking about theatre and things, and my ear did adjust to his dialect. until, annoyed and more certain of my abandonment, i asked him if i could use the smart phone he was brandishing about but not really doing anything with. and i tried and tried to get my own phone to give me my boyfriend's number so that i could call him on the working device i'd borrowed, but it just would not work. i was trying to make my little call quickly but my phone was useless, stalling and changing format as i fiddled with it and i finally figured that i'd have to find it somehow with the smartphone. i managed to call him and they returned. i was upset with them. i think they were saying something like we thought you were right behind us. and i asked my boy how he managed to not notice that i wasn't there. did you never look back and wonder where i was?

then we were at this cabin place and they were watching tv. and i pulled out a cord from the thing and rolled it up and threw it outside. and they fiddled with the remote and found that what i'd taken didn't entirely prevent them from watching tv, so i found the thicker, power cord and threw it outside. i then went to try and find the first coord, not wanting to be so churlish as to scatter a piece that alone wouldn't let them keep watching...but as i looked around at a dirt area somehow full of cords, i couldn't seem to find the one that i'd first tossed.

the white flowers and the french fellow were really nice.


4:13 p.m. - 2012-11-26
fable iii madness
i was having fable iii dreams. lmfao all i want to do is play fable iii. i got the expansion and was playing until sunup. so i'm not surprised i was having weird video game dreams. it was some sort of insane asylum and i was trying to search it very thoroughly, for books and treasure chests. and i was trying to take something that shot me out into this bathroom area, with a sign saying You can't do that, you freakin thief. and there were people who looked like they'd shot themselves in the head lining the walls. and i had a sort of insisting foreign presence enter my thoughts saying, 'This is so awful. You should probably just kill yourself.' and i struggled my way out of the room, fighting off the possession of suicidal vicious spirits, and andy and april from parks and recreation were there, apparently, and andy was sitting in the middle of a room and i went and crumpled to the floor next to him, said 'I do NOT like it here,' in overwhelmed, weepy tones as i got a handle on myself. lmfao i think she laughed a little. and he said something about how Yeah this place is crazy, i was just in a room where...uh i can't remember what he said now but he was describing something absolutely preposterous. something about wolves. very weird and creepy at any rate and i kind of wanted to remember it.


11:33 a.m. - 2012-11-19
at the expense of the dead
uh, that was one of the most fucked up dreams i've had. ever.


8:47 p.m. - 2012-11-18
all manner of cookies
i dreamt about wandering around and eating cookies...lots and lots of different types of cookies that were scattered around the place. and i remember ch.s. talking like he was very unhappy with his marital life.


3:40 p.m. - 2012-11-15
i think every time i woke up some tiny bit to toss in bed or adjust my blankets, i'd been having some wild dream...the only bit i remember though is a house in the middle of a body of water...surrounded by a gray chain link fence


1:05 p.m. - 2012-11-14
i had the strangest dream...i guess i was sitting at a table at mazzio's with some children, a bunch of little girls, and one of them started to act up. i said where are your parents? and she kind of conferred triumphantly/defiantly/secretly with a sister and said nothing. i took her by the arm and went around to the nearest table of adults and asked if she was their daughter. i questioned every eligible adult and no one was claiming her. i put the child in the face of people who were trying to ignore my strange queries. no one claimed her or the two sisters. it was dark out suddenly and i realized that i was supposed to be at the venture compound for a show and raced off into a mechanical weird world of blockages and closed doors. i was racing around, trying to get to the basement as quickly as possible, when i came upon an elevator shaft and boldly decided that there was no time to wait for the system to activate and simply hopped onto the lifeless elevator, holding on to the metal chords that extended up from it, and soared down the elevator shaft toward the basement. i remember thinking that the landing might hurt, might give me a jolt as I neared the ground but the thing i was riding was small so i was able to put my foot out and slightly slow the descent at the moment of impact and i jumped off and dashed into the laboratory basement, all shining concrete floors and enormous shelves and huge white pieces of a warehouse with the occasional pair or trio of scientists ambling about. and i found a group of people with the show, having fun, laughing and talking loudly. but i was hung up on those little girls. i heard someone at a distance mention that their son was missing and that prompted me to mention the girls to the people near me, asking if they knew anyone that it might be...there was also a large bounce pillow thing, huge and blue with white trim, that people were on, and i jumped on it, sending a person flying up into the air, someone saying 'rusty!' as they had just been lounging on it. i feel like around then, dr. venture showed up and was talking about the show, which switched things over to a sidestage view of a high production play, with a ton of enormous backdrops, and a massive ship that extended above the audience, huge and navy blue with port holes and a sort of papery look to it, even though it was as big as the very large theatre, which was probably twice as wide as the springer, and no telling how much longer, as i couldn't see to the back of the house. but i'd missed the que i was supposed to make...dr venture was tearing down a backdrop that was supposed to go out but hadn't and i just figured it would be better to not go out rather than go out late. so i went back to the people in the basement and, demanding their attention, and railed at them about the children, in terms of 'if any of you are the parent and are simply not speaking up...' and the woman who i'd heard earlier started weeping, i guess i hadn't described them yet, she asked if it was her child, who she called juice. but she was a woman of color and i, with great sympathy, asked if her child was a little blonde girl. she wandered off sadly and i said Look at how badly a mother should want and care for her child! and railed even more, quite passionately, until i wandered off to sit on an edge looking out into the dusky, lovely night.


12:46 p.m. - 2012-09-24
'i dreamt that i'd been trying to get away from something. i remember a creepy tile bathroom that wasn't an operating bathroom anymore. and the only thing i really remember was being somewhere and there's a knock at the door. and i crack it open to see who it is and it's this intensely creepy little man who barely comes up to my midriff and he's incredibly old, his skin is so deeply wrinkled and there's crimson lining every crease in his face, so he looked grim and evil. and he reached out a hand that had two fingers missing up to me, bandaged really really thickly with white gauze that bulged out in a puffy oval. he reached out and touched my stomach and i had the sense that i'd seen him before and i dunno, i got away from him but that creepy ass little dude stuck in my mind. '

'i think i had a dream that i drank all of the honey whiskey and spent time with my dad.'


1:20 a.m. - 2012-06-18
i dreamt that i saw her again (in a dim, wood-floored dreams where i have any awareness of the floor, they're almost always hardwood) and i wasn't pleased about it, but we interacted without strife. i didn't feel the need to express any of my displeasure, was content silently wishing that she would leave. we shared some sentiment concerning the fact that neither of us were at bonnaroo this year. probably my mind turning over the fact that part of why i didn't have much interest in going this year was because i didn't want to have to possibly see her again. i went three years in a row anyway, i want to go to a festival in the west for a change. maybe outside lands. i love san francisco. but i'm digressing really hard.

the only other specific moment i remember was her saying something like 'we're being pretty civil this time.' and i didn't say anything, maybe nodded a little. and though i still quite keenly felt that she was not to be allowed back into my heart at all, we spoke and discussed and were civil.

i definitely think that's progress


5:29 p.m. - 2012-04-14
the last snatch of the dream i was having when i was truly asleep was settled right behind the perspective of a little boy who was set on this little plane thing. the world was snowy and icy. the boy took off with a canister hanging from chords in his hand, swinging it as he flew about on the little place to seed snow in the sky. i said, 'We should've given him two of those!' in reference to the canister

i then went back to sleep for a couple of hours and dreamt of being in a large hall (like a place with a bunch of big rooms for parties and conferences) that somewhat resembled the church my parents attend. i was roving about doing unmemorable things when i started skating down the long, broad hallway that slopes gradually in some places, gliding on the thin leather sole of my moccasins. it was quite a joy. i went back to the top to tend to some business and an alarm broke out. there was a fire in a room i'd just passed so i went running back and awoke


5:37 p.m. - 2012-01-06
i was never really gone
my very sweet friend had a dream about me that i thought was magnificent so, in lieu of talking about any of the vague, fucked up dreams i've had lately, i would much rather just post what she sent me

"from what i remember i think u were with me at the beginning but then u were dead and i don't remember how but i knew and no one else did. and after a week everyone was asking me what happened to u because to everyone else u'd just gone missing and i kept telling everyone i didn't know anything. but for some reason i felt really guilty like it had been my fault but i couldn't remember any details. towards the end i was at this old house and everyone was out on the front porch and it was dark outside, but for most of the dream it was dark... actually i don't think i remember light or a sun at all, the power was out too so the only light was candle light. i left everyone outside and went up stairs to like a small den/office that kinda looked like it had been decorated by an old lady. there were stairs leading up into it from one side and one of those doorway without a door cut outs into another room that i didn't go into. I was also having this dream as if I were an omnipresent observer. i remember pacing and wishing there was something i could do to bring u back and then all of a sudden the phone rang and when i answered it started like it was a telemarketer for something but somehow there was like an underlining message that i could sacrifice myself to bring u back. so some how with an understanding from somewhere that i had one freebie i sacrificed myself but was fine and u were back and told me u were never really gone and i wanted to tell everyone what happened but u wanted to leave it in the past. Weird huh?"


2:16 p.m. - 2011-12-12
though i have the flashes of some architechture, all i truly remember is a vampiric jim carrey with tall black hair coming toward me with vague sinisterness and, shrinking back on the bed behind me in mimicry of horror, i have to say

Stop, stop, I can't do this. You look like Elvis-every-character-you've-ever-played, giggling uselessly. And he breaks character to bobble in amused failure.


9:32 p.m. - 2011-08-27
this is what happens in my head when i have to remember that she still breathes
the dreams i can't fully remember could fill a tome. i've got an inner encyclopedia of dream-impressions...senses of worlds with maybe only one or two memories, which is usually some bit of the architecture of whatever place i'm in.

(it sounds like someone on a motorcycle is going around in circles up and down the street in front of my house. i wonder what they're looking for.)

i was standing in a room with my roommate and i hear her voice down the hall. i walked into a room where the boy's sitting on a bed and she's sitting on the hardwood floor. there's a round disk on the very edge of the bed, near her. i threw it, pieces of it coming apart and flying off in scattered directions, saying "What the fuck're you doing here? Get out of my house." and her face blanched and twisted with tears. and i felt very little sympathy.


1:28 p.m. - 2011-07-02
it was such an interesting and distinct dream that i feel the need to jot it down, despite its oddness, in that it includes a diaryland friend that i have never actually met, including a family member of hers that i well know to have died long ago.

i dreamt i was in new york. i'd just come there. i remember walking around the small, town-like part of the city i was in, enough so that i still have a sort of map of the place in my mind. i have the notion that my place wouldn't be ready for those first few days and she'd said i could stay the night. when i got to the place, a little house stuffed with interesting little things and the trappings of life (a messy kitchen, with a thick wooden cutting board on a tile counter), with a sort of deep salmon pink/orange wallpaper...when i first got there, only her mother was home. and i discovered for the first time that her mother was blind. she had very blonde hair and thick, straight bangs.

i was exhausted and she was very kind and i went to sleep on a pure white-clad daybed. i'd only just awoken, having some time to gaze around and feel alone, the mother not in view and being silent where ever she was, when my friend came in. i didn't dream her proper face, as seen in pictures. but she was still very lovely. a wider, more cat-like nose. red hair that looked curly in degrees...when i could see all of her, her hair was only gently curly, really more like very tousled, all the way to, only being able to see an edge of her and it looking like she had permed a perm...ridiculous, tiny, tight curls that stuck out impossibly.

i said hey, thanks for letting me stay over, i wouldn't've had anywhere else to go last night. she bustled around, saying it was nothing. she noted how cluttered the kitchen was and asked if i'd help out, she was about to cook a meal. i said of course, i just have to pee really badly. i would've left this part out but that the bathroom was very interesting to have was very small, hardly enough space for the toilet, which seemed to be on a raised platform that was tilted forward, so that you didn't have to bend your knees much to sit, which was fortunate, as the door, when closed, was hardly a foot away from my face. and it was a window door. i've never actually seen one so small and narrow. so while sitting on this tilted toilet, with its completely clear window that took up most of the door, i felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable and awkward. there were blinds gathered at the top, and i poked at them, but i didn't see how you were supposed to let them drop. but she didn't seem to think twice about it as we carried on chatting idly and so i got over it and peed.

i remember talking and meeting some of her friends and it all being very pleasant but nothing distinct enough to remember. the only other part i remember is later, sitting on the porch with the mother, who had been picking strawberries or something...she'd gone to pick them but hadn't been able to locate as many as she would've liked to. and i suppose the house was split down the middle because there were neighbors who shared the porch. we were sitting on her side, at a rough little wooden table with little wooden chairs. and a boulder of a man, with a wide mouth and big round glasses came out. i got a strange jolt from him but he sat and gazed idly and said only a perfunctory greeting. shortly though he was joined by about four other of the other side's inhabitants, all large and hulking and looking far too crammed into their small portion of the porch, and i believe then, he mentioned that it didn't look like she'd gotten many strawberries, smiling in a way that raised my hackles.

i said 'you have a darkness in your heart. i don't know how it got there or why it stays but it'll destroy you some day.'

and i wanted to continue but the sweet mother whispered at me urgently, 'you're being passive!'

and i immediately said a child-like, 'I'm sorry,' and fell silent.


9:26 a.m. - 2011-06-03
murder at the bfast buffet
after leaving a movie theatre, with large, bright pink and black and blue posters on the wall with false cartoony faces, i found myself at some sort of breakfast place, with a buffet. i wandered around, not sure how to go about procuring food.

all i want is some bacon, i thought to myself. but it seemed like the place was a sea of hip-level half walls that eternally prevented you from getting to where you wanted to be. and no one seemed to be working there, the people sitting just seemed to be magically in on some secret that i was ignorant of.

i spotted my person. i managed to make my way to him and asked if he'd sit with me while i ate a strawberry pancake. he said a teasingly begrudging 'i guuuesssss.'

then there was a jump...stuff i don't remember. but it involved me being on edge and uneasy. later, i thought i saw someone being killed outside of a window sheathed in blinds. i was stricken. when i realized that was not in fact the case, i curled to him, emotionally defeated, desperate for the comfort

but i awoke amused.


10:29 p.m. - 2011-05-11
no belt
i dreamt of a girl i've never met before. i'm a sucker for a girl with a blonde pony tail. i said i like you. and she said i like you too. i kissed her lightly and her lips were cold.

i remember her face very clearly. maybe i'll meet her some day.


7:46 p.m. - 2011-05-10
all i remember from that one now is
kurt cobain and kitties.


12:37 p.m. - 2011-05-07
what have you done
i had a twisted dream. one of those where you're profoundly grateful to realize that it wasn't real. i don't even want to talk about it. but i did want to mention the fact that it continues to fill me with a sense of horror


10:17 p.m. - 2011-04-26
wrong turn
i dreamt that i was in what must have been one of those training cars...because there were two steering wheels. i was sitting on the right hand side, driving. we were sitting at a stop and what i think were three of my characters...i know for sure that KIC was sitting next to me though and naturally got impatient sitting at our primitive traffic light and decreed Let's go this way! and veered off to the right. i said I don't know how to get there from this street...and he was like We'll figure it out. so i just sat by and let him drive for a moment until..."Uh...aaaaand we're at a dead end."

the unfinished road curved up about 100 feet into the air, surrounded by messy building equipment. we got out of the car and were looking around for a moment before i remember seeing them filing through a doorway. i stood in the way to block the path as i said very seriously...'Look, though, you have to just let me drive. I can't handle loosing control like that again,'

and then i awoke.


4:27 p.m. - 2011-03-29
in my dreams i play guitar left handed


3:30 p.m. - 2011-02-26
magic beans
i dreamt that there was this enormous, churchlike sort of theatre/mall where a lot of concerts were going on...i can't quite recall now but at some point there was a woman creature coming after me. i think there was some kind of heist involved and she was trying to capture me before i escaped. i'd been standing at the foot of a less populated stage than a lot of the areas and i wish i could recall what the conflict between us was...but suddenly i was running through this place game like, i ran my heart out, making inhuman leaps and weaving through crowds. at one point i screamed GET OUT OF MY WAY in a horrible guttural, desperate voice and barreled through the suddenly startled throngs of people. running up isles, i leapt from what must've been the seventh story into a central display and descended down it in massive impossible jumps...i ran to the place i needed to be...the numbered plaques on the walls didn't inform me immediately. i paced back and forth, pressing myself to figure it out before they found me, and went running when i figured it out...55. i needed number 55, so i ran back to the end of the area, to the beginning, where i'd seen a plaque reading 0-55,555 and went in...

there i found a large, very high ceiling'd a dance hall, but completely empty. the walls were white and upon them were...thick wicker baskets full of jelly beans...about two feet long and less than a foot wide. i leapt up on the wall at basket 55 and tore it down, landing on my feet again while cradling a trough of dull colored jelly beans. i knew that one of these beans contained the woman creature's soul, so i started walking back out of the room and towards where i'd been, feeling triumphant. every time i looked away from the basket in my arms, the vessel would get smaller and imposter beans would fall away...but there were so many that i didn't notice until they had diminished grandly. testing the theory, i glanced away once more, returning to find that there were but about five or six left in a small round tin, just like from a tea light. i was very cautious to keep my eyes on them, not wanting to lose the soul and with it, my only hope of escape...

so i ate them. and vaguely felt that i now held all the cards.

one of them tasted awful and i wondered idly, as i strolled back along the way i'd come, if that had been the soul bean.

there was so much more before this...i keep getting odd sensations and the slightest feeling of intriguing memories...but it's escaped me.

i do remember that after this escapade, i was sitting at a round table and across from me there sat, in this order, a girl, a boy, and his girlfriend. i hadn't been paying attention to the conversation, but all of a sudden, the girl climbed in his lap and they started having sex. the girlfriend didn't seem to mind, in fact after a moment, he put the girl in his girlfriends lap and carried on at what was apparently a more comfortable arrangement. i quietly pondered this and why our friends had decided to make the situation so awkward. and then i traveled back to my mind and body and awoke.

i wonder by what magic the jelly beans were able to stay in those wicker trays while they were on the wall...


5:41 p.m. - 2011-01-22
cabo wabo
i had a dream that i have a clear sense of being in for a long time...i have the sense of being in this particular house for a while but i can't recall the specifics. i remember a large custodial looking sink, caked with filth...and i remember a deep rich mahogany cabin. all wood and interestingly designed, with a wall of glass that looked into a green wooded area. if i could just record my dreams in excessive detail, i would love to see the architectural layout of the places my brain puts me in.

i remember a large and solemn looking woman who i've never met before and someone who i think might've been my boyfriend's uncle were both sitting behind a small table...the woman gave my guy a large box barely wrapped in tissue paper. it was a large bottle of whiskey. then she pulled another bottle out from under the table, the tissue paper falling off as she brought it out and set it forcefully down before me, the wood beneath it crying KOMMM. she said something like "I hope that suits your tastes." it was a handle of cabo wabo. i was very impressed, that's a fairly expensive bottle to just give someone, and i had the sense that i didn't know the people terribly well. but by the same token it terrified me to some degree, having this beastly bottle in my possession - i usually have some sense of when to stop while drinking...for some reason, i don't experience this benefit when tequila's involved. the actual me has no sense of moderation with tequila. i like it too much and it stomps on me the next day. i fumbled in my fear-laced gratitude, saying something like, "Oh definitely, I love tequila. I really appreciate it."


5:24 p.m. - 2011-01-17
viking potion
a few nights ago i also had a dream where there was an enormous green field with little medieval kiosk like structures in the distance...and there was this sort of viking potion in my possession. i drank some and became a kind of valkyrie amazonian woman. a man who was obviously already a viking drank some of the potion and became a massive beast of a man. laughingly, he said I must weigh 20 stone! as he wandered off into thick green foliage.

I went running as fast as i could across the field and jumped and destroyed parts of the kiosks, like it was my job. and then i awoke, feeling bizarre and amused


4:57 p.m. - 2011-01-17
en garde! by inches
i dreamt that i had my scale rule... and someone else, taller than me, had what must have been a piece of wood, about the length and width of a normal ruler, but about three times as thick. i had the rule in my left hand and some other weapon in the right...some sort of small defensive piece (kind of like a small shield that covered the forearm but had a sharp bottom edge, so it could also be used as a weapon). And the other person came at me quickly, more quickly than I was prepared for. they almost clipped my hand hard but i sort of backed away enough for it to not hurt.

"I'm not really knowledgeable enough yet to, parry and the like...Take it easy," i requested. i think i had felt there would be some instruction, but there had only been the attack. even though i have actually had some experience with fencing with sabres, in the dream, i didn't know what i was doing at all. maybe it was more that the weird things we were using were so much shorter...a particular style that i wasn't used to. they came again and i deflected, feeling with great clarity the strangeness of fighting with the three-sided ruler in my hand.

and that's all i recall


11:49 a.m. - 2010-12-08
earl grover c.
i've been having long and strange dreams...too much so to remember them well. but the last thing that i remember of this pawpaw was sick. my father brushed past me, saying, all i know is that he is inequivocally in a great deal of pain...and i looked at my mom and said We buried him. I remember it. We buried pawpaw. What's going on here? I remember it vividly.

and the memories i was recalling weren't the actual things that happened but dream-memories...

i remembered standing at the back of a very high, white and cream balcony to a white pink and cream church. i remember some drama between mourners...the service a thing of grandeur. an elaborate sea of flowers.

when in reality, it was small...simple. in a small church. poorly attended because he outlived just about all of the friends he'd made throughout his life. outlived most of his blood relatives, except a sister and his children.

i bought a 12-pack of yoohoo.


11:21 a.m. - 2010-11-19
the ground
all i remember is sitting on the hood of a dirty tractor...the ground was hard wet sandy dirt... so that even though there were small puddles, the ground was firm. i remember quite vividly, looking very closely at the ground by the tractor's front right wheel. someone told me that their mom and sister were sick with pneumonia...i said that they should take it seriously - that i had a friend who died of pneumonia not very long ago. that it's still a very serious disease if you don't do something about it...he seemed struck by the information and i mentioned that it could have been walking pneumonia...because he wasn't feeling well for about a week, though it hadn't seemed serious...and then, all of a sudden, it was really really bad. and then he was gone.

that's all. i didn't think i'd been dreaming close enough to waking to remember anything but that just came back to that unnerving way that's happened increasingly...where i have to realize that something couldn't have actually happened before i realize it's a dream memory.


1:48 p.m. - 2010-08-05
if only i could live in strange dreams
i dreamt that a bunch of us were in this place where the carpet was in squares and, due to renovating or something, beneath a great deal of these little squares of carpeting, there would be no floor, just a frame where the center relented to empty darkness. they were small enough so that if you stepped evenly, your foot wouldn't go through, but the carpet was covering it, and it was hard to tell where floor was and where it wasn't.

"I hate this grid bullshit!" i said at one point as i struggled to navigate this holey floor.

"It's mostly over there," my friend g.h. said, gesturing where there was all but no floor. but there was still the occasional straggler that was empty, apart from the general area.

somethings happened that i can't remember now but the next thing i remember is that most everyone left, except for me and her and my boyfriend, who was fetching the car or something...we were by a street at night. she was sitting in a chair and i was sitting on the ground behind her chair. it seemed like a little alcove...a protected area. there was a wall at my back and to at least one side of us. we talked, i can't remember about what anymore...and something felt a little healed between us.

then it was day and my boyfriend and i were in a pretty little part of a town...a quaint sort of place where there was a nice residential area right next to a very calm and spaced out sort of downtown area. i had roller-blades on. i feel like he had some sort of business at one of the he was going to repair something there. so i got out at the downtown area and said i'd catch up with him. he parked his car within sight of where i stood, so i knew where he was. i skated around the sidewalks, looking at all of the buildings and occasionally stopping to explore further...i remember a churchlike place with a garden of flowers...and then when it came time to find him again, i was lost. i went up street after street and i thought i went to the place where he'd been parked, but he wasn't there. i found my grandmother though and she tried to help me but to no avail. i tried to figure out what to do...i was sort of stranded. he had things i needed in his car, like my keys i believe. i was growing very confident on the skates and reeled around and jumped to my feet any time i went to a knee. she tried to help for a moment but she had errands to run and i was getting very hungry, so i said i'd go eat and then meet her later...

i went into this little shotgun type patio of a place with dark old wood making up the like there was a larger building that it was attached to but the area where i was was a long straight room, with doors only on the far sides.

and i didn't entirely realize how many bags i'd been carrying with me until i went to take them all off. at the time, i think i only had two small bags. but i somehow had my laptop with me, and i set up camp in this little patio area, though i don't think i ever dream-ate. i was there for a while though and i think some interactions occurred between me and the other people there...i remember hopping up onto my roller-bladed feet after being on my knees for some reason [after helping someone with their computer].

i eventually realized that my granmama might be waiting for me, unsure as to which place i went to satiate my hunger. about this time, i thought that i should probably text my boyfriend and hope that he responded, though for some reason i was not hopeful on that front. so i started gathering together my things as i texted him and my bags began to multiply...i put the two small ones on but then i also had my real-life-purse and a backpack and another strange bag and as i saddled myself with all of these, i realized that i must have a laptop case somewhere as well.

but before i found it, the scene changed impossibly. it wasn't a restaurant anymore, all the tall little circular tables and booths were gone...and it was a room. the same shotgun dark wood patio but a little cozy room with a bed. and it was dark. and there was a girl there, talking to me, though i no longer remember what we spoke about. she was a plump girl, round all about, with a kind face.

i could tell she was flirting with me, which i merely observed with a sort of dull amusement. i felt nothing for her though. i went to lie down once the day was over and she followed me. she was warm and comforting at my side and she all but placed herself so that my hand was at her breast. when i didn't respond, she pulled her shirt away and i gripped her. it seemed like the thing to do.

but then...and this got a little muddled because it wasn't MY boyfriend, but it was an old character's boyfriend...and suddenly i was seeing myself as the character whose mate had just walked in...though i shortly after looked in a mirror and was myself...

so suddenly i didn't see myself as me, i saw myself as t. and m. came in. and i removed myself from her immediately and sat up. and he was visibly upset and stormed back out again in a rush.

sitting there, i told her

"You have to leave, I have to make this right."

and two of her friends appeared to accompany her and as they left, they thankfully paid me not a speck of attention, though i indulged in long and intense perusals of their faces. i got up once the door closed behind them and stood at the door, looking forward and thinking, as the sun was beginning to light the world...

i saw the fringe of a person blink into existence...they were transparent at first and then, in flashes, grew more solid until it stopped flashing and seemed to be stable. and i thought vaguely That's where my spirit guide would stand, as it was back and to my right. all i could see of it was the very edge of its side. without moving, i reached for its hand. it shied away from the gesture but i said "Just let me hold your hand," feeling miserable for my indiscretion. and my hand closed around hers and having a grip on this ethereal creature, i turned to look into its face and it was kelley.

for some reason, she said, in a sort of resigned exasperated tone, "I'll clean the towels."

i squeezed her hand and felt the weight of her in my grip. i fell to my knees, weeping in light of everything, and i wrapped my arms around her waist, pressing my face to her stomach, feeling the give of her flesh against my muscles. i mumbled as many I'm so sorry's as i could through tears

and goddamnit then i woke up...LONGING to go back to sleep but my mind buzzing with all that it had just seen so that i knew i'd never drop back off


2:16 p.m. - 2010-08-03
i dreamt that i was in this shopping mall...and caught up with a friend. i had this green fingernail polish in my pocket and i wanted to try it out. i wanted my fingernails to be green. but i was with two other people...and we were wandering. i painted my thumbnail as we wandered through the mall, brushing past crowded rooms of clothing racks, and i botched it...the job wasn't even. the brush was twisted and old and the lime green was all streaky and unpretty on my thumb. we wandered out of the mall to continue our walk through the city and decided we would go to the river. along the way, we found my boyfriend and another girl who wanted to go with us. so as the five of us neared the was within sight but probably still another ten minutes walk...there seemed to be some sort of family party going on between a few houses. some people walking out of the house on the side of the street we were on recognized me exuberantly and invited us in. indoors there was a ton of food...cookies for days. we wandered, talking to people, and after a little while i came to realize that i'd lost my four friends. i looked for them...i asked if anyone had seen them. i went across the street to the other house to look for them 2nd uncle james was standing in the middle of a big empty room in this second house and, elated to have finally found SOMEONE, if not who i was looking for, and cried James! and went to him and hugged him. i told him that i was looking for my friends. it was getting late, 2:00 in the morning, and i wanted to go to the river but i didn't want to leave them behind. he hadn't seen a group that fit my description.
i left him and looked everywhere i could without opening doors, which i didn't want to do.

i retraced my steps. i think that's why i remember all of this so well. in the dream, i thought about all i had just dreamt.

and then i woke up. feeling desperate to drift back off...i had things to do in my dreams...people to find, a river to swim...


6:33 p.m. - 2010-06-21
squirrel cancer
i dreamt that i had just found a blunt in my yard and was marveling at where it possibly could've come from and wondering if it was shit or decent when in the neighbor's yard across the street, my cat is idly watching a squirrel smoke a cigarette. at first i couldn't tell if it was a joint or a cigarette but when i went closer, it was obviously a cig and i thought to myself How horrible, he's going to get tiny squirrel cancer, and tried to remove the cigarette from its mouth but it scampered away from me.

i also vaguely remember her trying to talk to me and constantly answering with closing doors in her face and saying LEAVE ME ALONE DAMNIT I DON'T LIKE YOU I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU

and as always there was more but i can't remember too well and recounting it would influence me to make up stuff to fill the gaps with. and that's not what i'm trying to do here so here we end


2:45 p.m. - 2010-05-27
ten fingers ten toes
i dreamt that i somehow burned my left pinky finger off so that it ended in a stumpy little point of cauterized flesh. it didn't hurt or bleed much, so that when i looked at it i was shocked and horrified by the missing digit, as i didn't think i had been that badly marred.

one of those dreams you're really grateful to have woken up from.


10:53 p.m. - 2010-05-14
psychoanalyze THAT, i dare you!
last night i dreamt that somehow, there was a triple funeral going on. two of the people were my pawpaw (who died a couple of years ago) and my cousin (who is in fine health) and i don't remember who the third was but i think it was a friend of mine. the service was taking place in a two stage theatre, my family on the main stage and the other on a stage to right...i was sitting with my boyfriend and trying to wrap my mind around it all and this girl was trying to curl up to him and had her head on his chest and i just kind of felt dumbfounded as i stared at this happening. i didn't have it in me to be territorial, i just got up and started walking very quickly up the isle...(i was moving fast enough to feel wind against my face as i cut through the air...this reminded me of being a small child in the three arts theatre [demolished now] during dance recitals and running up the isles during rehearsals or intermissions. they seemed so big then) and he followed me. someone came into the lobby after we'd been in there for a moment, exchanging brief words about the forward girl, and dropped off some stuff that i needed to put in my car. someone told me that i would be late for the service but the bundle included some sensitive items so i had to take the time to stow the stuff in my car. once i had, i went into the theatre and felt overwhelmed with grief...i fell to my knees in the isle and wept, thinking how how how? woe woe woe! in less words.

and as i sat there in my grief, i hear game sounds. i look around and find a man sitting in some of the seats to my right, who must've been at least in his fifties, playing a nintendo ds. with the sound on. and unable to contain myself, i said - What's wrong with you! This is my family! You could at least turn the volume off, you cock sucker!

and he looked like the old man with the book in the never ending story and he stared at me like ehh who gives a fuck, from behind round red glasses.

and i have largely neglected paragraphing because it all seemed to occur very quickly


11:31 p.m. - 2010-05-04
i had this dream that this emoish kid i know, who actually has very dark brown hair, i dreamt that it was blonde and had been spray painted so that it was mostly bright red, with the platinum blonde only showing at the tips. i thought, to my own great amusement, that he looked like ronald mcdonald's disappointing son but i let the taunt go unspoken.

it was interesting to have such a distinct thought in a dream that wasn't spoken dialogue. i'm not sure i've ever experienced that so clearly before. it's usually more a matter of things happening or being talked about than being thought of.


3:44 p.m. - 2010-02-20
i dreamt about carnivals and extremely elaborate tubs. i realized that i have way more fish than i remembered there being and started to set up a new tank out of an old fountain


9:25 a.m. - 2009-12-18
hidden drama
i dreamt that i went to a little shack-like food stand and ordered a pepsi and drank and drank, like it was going out of style until i went to this field of...what i want to call tree-like things with some people. and made fireworks explode out of the ends of the trees with my mind in different patterns as i directed my thoughts in different directions for what in dream-time i called at least thirty minutes.

mentioning to someone....well, this is an interesting little ability.

the meaning of these things escapes me almost entirely, though usually i feel i have some sense of what my mind is trying to say...i think i've taken more to just wandering aimlessly through the dream world.


1:05 p.m. - 2009-12-11
my mind is a strange place
i dreamt that there were a lot of people in this auditorium and we were playing games. this one girl (who in real life is all but obsessed with my botfriend) was following me around, which made me suspicious - i suppose she figured he would stand next to me so she wanted to try and stick to whichever side he would be shuffled to. this was very obnoxious to me so i wandered off to another group.

and lance and jono were doing lasso tricks.

i mostly wanted to remember about the lasso tricks


2:41 p.m. - 2009-12-07
good dream vs. fucked up dream
(this is a terrible idea because i need to shower before work but damnit i want to remember this)

i dreamt that i was over at the boy's house and she came in. as soon as she left the room (but was probably still in earshot) i said Damnit can't I go one night without having to see her? At which point she quickly made sure that she was not where i was though i dunno if she exactly left.

and then rea was there. and i was so glad to see him. i hugged him for a long time, soaking in that feeling that he took with him, and grateful that he decided to visit me. i don't remember if we said anything to one another but i do remember that once i let go of him, he turned into someone else that i didn't recognize. a white boy with a big nose. i think this was the true him leaving and my mind replacing him with the first face it thought let me know the difference between imagined rea and the real thing.

and later on i had dreams in the perspective of one of my characters...a male vampire" consequently. and he went on a horrific romp in this strange, dark land where there was a castle with trick doors and confusing passageways and the like.

okay off i dash!


2:37 p.m. - 2009-11-27
impromtu under studying
there's a theme that i often dream about, at scattered times, though the situation is always different. the basis, however, remains the same

i have, for some unexplained reason, had to replace someone in a show very suddenly, a day's notice, perhaps, so that i don't really have proper time to learn the part and am, consequently, forced to simply do the best i can with as much as i do know.

the same issue, but several different scenarios where this has been the case...i remember vaguely that one of the first of far as i can remember now, at any rate...i was filling in as one of the ugly step sisters in a production of cinderella.

last night, i dreamt that i had come in late to a production as an ensemble dancer. i don't think i dreamt much of the play surrounding the dance numbers...and i even remember having done the dance well enough the night before. but on the night of the final performance, earlier in the day, i got dosed and, upon needing to perform, couldn't remember my exits or entrances nor the correct progression of the steps, though i followed along as best i could. we were dressed in silly egyptianesque costumes, a piece of which i couldn't manage to tie behind my neck while backstage...and any time i tried to quietly ask one of the other performers to remind me what i was supposed to do, they seemed to forget that i'd only been working on the show since the day before and seemed to not understand why on earth i could possibly be asking for help.

i was dreamtripping though so i simply did the best i could, amusing myself and following along, though i probably felt most silly for not managing to get my neck-dress thingy tied before i had to rush on stage.

i do enjoy dreaming up theatres to run around in, whether i know what i'm doing or not.


2:20 p.m. - 2009-10-10
i dreamt that i had just eaten the majority of a sheet of acid and i was sitting on the floor in a kitchen, playing with a dog, and i leaned my forearm against the face of a stove and it took me a moment to realize but i guess there was supposedly some kind of vertical eye on the front of it and it burned me terribly. it wasn't so bad in some places but the worst of it was oozing blood and had my skin hanging off strangely. but i was dreamingtripping so i wasn't surprised that it didn't hurt much - though i do remember the dream-sensation of it burning, which was strange. the remainder of the dream was casual - running around with friends and being silly. racing to water fountains like a child and trying to not let things bump into my arm


4:21 p.m. - 2009-10-03
think this modern day needs a salvador?
i guess i've been sleeping a lot lately but seeing as i'm trying to recover from strep throat i don't take no guff about it.

but i was having the most crazy dreams...i'm only remembering patchy bits. but as often happens i remember in large the being a cemetery decorated in these strange dark metallic colors, with a sinister air and full of interested yet chilling displays around the graves. i wish i could remember more of the cemetery, as i do know that we toured it for what seemed like quite a while. i mostly remember leaving, with the hideous display of a mangled and metallic flower-patch-esque, passing under the awning of the church on the premises...and i remember reading that they were not the sort of church that had services, due to lack of staff, as though they wished that they were able - though naturally it was worded much differently on the sign, i just can't quite remember how. i couldn't imagine people who would frequent such a dismally terrifying place every sunday morning.

as we were returning from our tour of that place, the street we were on was a small two-lane cutting through large fields on either side. there was what i can only assume was a man dressed as a giant peach monster thing and as we zoomed past all of these absurd large figures that, though they were not giant peaches, were other weird large things traveling through the field, i screamed (for fun, as, after the unsettling cemetery, these beasts were strange but certainly not as worrisome - actually pretty comical) and the peach wheeled around to look at me with a strange expression on its eyeless (but it did have a mouth) face - as though i was bad for having disturbed his trek and diverted his attention to myself.

then i guess we got back to the city. and i was at a place i identified as garret's (though i had some level of ownership over the place as well), and i was getting into the secret sort of place in his house where i kept certain things, like the book i'd been wanting to read. but i was having such a hard time with it that i was resolving to remove all of my belongings from the high rooms and keep them in a more accessible area. you had to jump from a staircase to a platform that had a fake-ice sculpture placed upon it...the sculpture had a steep incline that you had to balance on the very topmost edge of in order to reach the ceiling where you could push away the planks and find the point of access to the rooms above, which i guess you would've had to hoist yourself up with a very little help from the sculpture and mostly upper arm strength. i don't remember actually achieving this, but shortly after my struggles with it, there were a lot of people hanging out up there (it was really rather spacious for attic-like rooms), so i imagine that the part i can't quite remember is being helped up by a friend. once up there, i felt fonder of the place and relented in removing my possessions.

following, there was a bit where i had a very small roller on the bottom of my right foot and i used it to zoom through underground, parking-deck-like passages until i returned home from a back-route. it was raining by then and there were still people in the attic, so i returned there and as they lounged around, i noticed that the thin roof was leaking rather a lot. but garret didn't seem concerned so i didn't let it worry me and simply stepped out from under the dripping area.

i probably didn't capture half of how bizarre these dreams were. i only wish i had that sort of literary prowess. but really, words alone probably can't capture it. maybe i should do a painting.


11:31 a.m. - 2009-08-09
righteous fury
i had a series of alarms today, as when i'm out of practice waking up to alarms, i have to have one that breaks my revere at some point before i can expect to have the alarm actually wake me up. that precursor alarm is called dali spoon, in tribute to salvador, who would go to sleep with a spoon in his hand so that whenever he entered the r.e.m. phase of sleep and his body would go lax, the spoon would drop and clatter and he would wake, capable then of remembering his vivid dreams.

i was originally dreaming of something very strange and fucked up that i won't recount, as i only remember the worst of it now. but with each alarm, it seemed to be a new dream. But apparently it was some psychotic rage shit that I'm gonna redact, 'cause rereading that shit just now was embarrassing.


1:17 p.m. - 2009-08-04
stake your claim
i dreamt that, after a lot of harder-to-remember parts where we were around familiar people and eating brownies, we were in this weird church-like, theatre-like sort of very tall building. he went bounding through this room, exploring, and i remembered something i'd left behind...and when i came back to follow him again, the room was full and there was a sort of performance going on for a room full of small children. i felt very intrusive but i walked through anyway, knowing that i really couldn't disturb much. as i went past, this bizarre rubbery glowing toy alien baby flopped down on the floor. the adults there were watching me incredulously until i sheepishly met one of their eyes and admitted I'm trying to find my friend. and as i moved towards the door he had disappeared through, they were like That way doesn't have any exits. I paused, but decided that that couldn't be true and that i still needed to find him anyway. it didn't take long to find him. and as it turned out, we probably shouldn't've been able to get to where we were, so perhaps there were no PROPER exits, but there were plenty improper ones.

he claimed the land, needing a place to live. it was very open air and seemed to be a storage place. the conversation that followed was calm and sweet and not in my memory enough to transcribe. but it was an interesting dream


11:38 a.m. - 2009-07-30
quite a prize
i dreamt that, through a pretty casual and unremarkable dream-conversation, i had picked up playing drums with a guitarist and a bassist. i didn't know why, i figured we were just playing. and as we sat there, idly free styling, we gained an audience. and some of the people we'd left behind to go to the place with the instruments started arriving to listen. and then it was brought up that it was some sort of challenge. and then two people brought in the prize - which was an enormous stone-like oval that must've been at least 15 x 30 feet and inside of the oval were seven planets, hovering at different levels unaided. i was like what the hell is this thing! in awe. there was no real explanation except that not only was it awesome looking, but you could crack your back really well if you sat on the oval and pushed the right way.


1:53 p.m. - 2009-07-29
i dreamt that i had a baby. i think part of it sprung from watching weeds shortly before i went to bed, as i remember being chagrined by the fact that i didn't get to name him, as he was already called stevie ray. though i conspired to rename him. he had been left sleeping in a baby carrier in the utility shed. i realized that he would probably be awake by now, sim-like, and went to rescue him from the unpleasant surroundings. why anyone would've left him there at all is a complete oddity...the majority of the rest of the dream is me fumbling to take care of/keep up with the newborn...

it's strange being a female sometimes. i have no desire to have children, because i know the devastation that it would inflict upon my freedom and touch-and-go financial situation. but at the same time, the more instinctual part of me knows the bond of devotion that a baby would illicit from me...knows that i would be a good mother.

i'll just stick to my dream-babies though thanks.


11:59 a.m. - 2009-07-25
this house
ah how i wish there was some clever device made for collecting dreams! a mental camcorder or something. this one returns to me in such strange snatches that seem like they would be impossible to connect, yet i think they must have been. it's so endlessly fascinating to me, the things the mind creates with absolutely no directing. what i remember most now is that last moment where i flopped down on a newly placed bed, to test out its new position, in a room that i knew as gus's, though it was not his present real room, and, once settled, felt a lump beneath me. when i went to take it out from under myself, i was amazed and confused to have pulled out my thick ring, with its celtic knots and five-point star. and it baffled my dream-mind as to how it could have gotten there.

there was so much more though...pairs of people moving enormous tables into a aerial view of the name of a friend etched into the mud so that puddles formed the capital letters, the small pools of collected water reflecting the sun in a beautiful way - and the briefest moment when i was wondering what possibly possessed him to do such a thing, though i think the answer ended up being that it was an attempt at procuring help.


2:25 p.m. - 2009-07-04
an epic hug
i don't remember much of my dreaming but i do remember rea. he was wearing a white sleeveless shirt. the dream was something to do with traveling...i have strange memories now of what seemed like an entire room being on a train. but he came up to me from the side and i realized it was him and we hugged, slipping arms around eachother sideways and then hugging full on.

god i wish he were here


12:12 a.m. - 2009-07-01
i had a barrage of strange dreams last night, in strange flashes, as i kept waking up and cuddling and going back to sleep. i have the strangest relationships...

anyway so i think the "first" one, a lot of us were at a restaurant and i had ordered a sweet tea...and for some reason i got left. i saw a car pulling off and i wasn't ready so i at at the end of a table, deciding to drink my drink before i rushed off after them. and there was a table full of acquaintances next to me, the only person i really remember being there being krystine. i looked across at them and smiled and nodded and then it occurred to me that i could get a tea to go and after one more solitary moment i got up and went to the hostess stand, i guess it would be, and asked rather impatiently for a tea, though the impatience wasn't directed at them so much as at my abandoning friends.

in another instance, after a bit of cuddling in actuality, in my dream i thought that there had been someone else sleeping in the room, our friend nick. and it felt odd that i hadn't realized until afterward. in the same set of dreams, i dreamt that i dreamt that my mother told me that she and my father were probably going to jail for not paying their taxes for sixteen years. and in the dream i woke up and told him about it and was like isn't that crazy and then i talked to my mom again and it was the same instance, she was like You know what's up. while hurrying over a countertop full of papers.

there was some other little thing with krystine that i can't quite recall. it might've been before the car pulling off thing, while we were still in a restaurant. but it seems like she came over to our table and sat down for a moment but i don't really remember anything else...

in another instance, i dreamt that gus and i were in the front seats of a car while garret sat in the center of the back. we were going through the drive through at a sit-down-type restaurant and it was taking a very very long time and garret, who hadn't wanted any food, was like Can we get out of here while I'm still young?!

i woke up hungry. go figure.


1:29 p.m. - 2009-06-25
Anything but the lion!
apparently i was dreaming absurd things last night. i dreamt that i had a pet lion, as well as two monkeys, a very small one and a long haired medium sized one.

at some point this guy fired a rpg into this structure that i can't really recall and i was like DUDE WHAT THE FUCK MY PETS ARE IN THERE and he was like woah seriously? and I was like Yeah! My lion and two monkeys!

The lion was very sweet and had mixed results when it came to being around dogs.

i don't really recall much else, but if that is any indicator, i reckon the rest was pretty fucking weird too.


7:33 p.m. - 2009-05-13
i dreamt that i walked past aileen with no flinching, no thought of speech, no thought except to walk past. and she grabbed me around the neck in a hug and i smiled and we played like young friends. and things weren't necessarily healed but they were new. and unmarred by the past.

i dreamt that i was sitting on a bed with christy, a blanket over us. she asked if i wanted to do anything and i said you know...i've spent nearly two years in celibacy. i think it'll take a great deal to get me to break it. i prefer it this way.

and it felt strange to have said it in such terms, in my dreamworld.

if it were real life though, i don't know that i would say no.


12:53 p.m. - 2009-05-09
i woke up with a feeling of weirdness. whatever i had just been dreaming was bizarre.

and as it slowly came back to me...yea. yep. pretty weird.

as usual, there was more before this part that i can't remember...i think the place was a lot like gus's room but there was carpet all over instead of hardwood floor and it was all dreamweird.

but what i really remember is being alone there. and then i kept thinking i saw a person in these little flashes and then there was someone who looked like trey sitting on the couch and i couldn't speak straight. i went to the ground and was struggling to say his name, desperate to have a human man acknowledge himself as opposed to the other terrifying phantasm option. it was a haunting indeed. and it was just very strange sensationally.


2:20 a.m. - 2009-05-01
strange snapshots
these days i feel that my dreams are full of interesting moments, but sleeping in a bed with someone seems to result in my wanting to check on him and the time as soon as i wake up, awoken by abrupt things like a loud noise, shifting bed, or alarm clock...leaving dwelling on dreams just past out of the first thoughts that my brain kicks into once awake. and if it's not the first thing on your mind, so much slips away. but i keep getting strange snaps of them. like being underwater and not being sure if i had enough oxygen to get to the surface, knowing that i had to swim desperately for the top before my body gave out...

but more recently, i dreamt that i was probably about three months pregnant and hadn't really realized it. until suddenly i feel the blazing energy of a football-sized little human in my stomach and have a sense of though i could have known and forgotten. and i was a little shocked and horrified at myself because, thinking back on the months previous, i had been drinking and smoking like i usually do, as was my custom.

and as i realized my wrongs and my abstinence began, there was that roaring in my ears as all of the ills of our bodies were being healed and spiritually burned away. and i remember everything looked like a photo negative and i could see through all the flesh to the little shining white skeleton in my belly.

and that is all i can remember.


6:24 p.m. - 2009-04-15
i dreamt that i was holding chaucer for some reason and he flipped out and i was having to deal with him being a wild rabid cat. and i was so hurt over it - physically and emotionally - in the dream that it keeps returning to me and i get to remember that it didn't really happen.


2:37 p.m. - 2009-03-21
honesty and hot cars
I hadn�t been cataloguing my dreams recently because they�ve all been so similar and hard to remember. And really, what I remember most are the buildings. The structure of the places. And that's hard and boring to describe.

But I just remembered a dream-conversation that I felt was worth writing down, as it�s fairly amusing to me. There were a few people in a pool hall type of place, again similar to Henry�s, but different from the one before, and not really structurally resembling that place�it was just a nice, dim little hall that had a bar and pool tables. But I seem to remember being the only girl present, cishet dudes as far as the eye can see. And I don�t remember how we got to the subject except that someone asked me a question. And I said, struggling in the dream to compose my verbal words as I do in life,

I�have never been fucked. Not for lack of opportunity. Something you guys seem to fail to realize is that I�m just as much of a man as you are, tits or not, and I have no interest in being fucked. As I�m sure you can relate.

[problematic processing of things i wouldn't be able to categorize for a while yet. hindsight is weird and maaaan, how things change]

And now I seem to remember the question being in relation to sexual of dildos.

But, though that seems legit, my mind may now just be embellishing the little memory.

I also wanted to relay a dream that I remembered at such an odd moment that I hadn�t thought to catalogue it until now. In my car, I looked at the temperature gauge and it was on hot and it started to glow and be luminescent and I was freaking out. I didn�t remember that this had been a dream until I was in my car, looking at the dial and it occurred to me that it couldn�t�ve actually happened and must've happened in a dream.


12:55 a.m. - 2009-03-13
i dreamt that i was in a home-type place with a bar, like henry's house. i think there were a lot of familiar people there but at some point, m.l. and i were alone and we were talking casually until she was like

I am so into you.

and I said...You're so young.

and i don't remember anything else but i seem to remember that ending it.

my dreams remain casual. though i have vague recollections of being chased through a complicated building.

but maybe i'm just making that up.


2:07 a.m. - 2009-02-18
a sense of things
i dreamt that i was walking up to a walkup bank (it was very small and had two windows on each end.) and as we were walking up, i notice that both people presently at the windows are telling the tellers to give them all their money and brandishing molotov cocktails.

so i said to my friend, shit man they're robbing the place, let's get out of here.

and quietly blew out the flaming thing in my own arms as we veered off on a different path. and something happened between my friend and one of the people lurking about and we had to run.

and i was thinking how best not to get killed.

i have a sense of other happenings but no memory.


12:37 p.m. - 2009-02-13
i dreamt that i kissed the bridge of his nose and each cheek twice, slowly.

he said you're playing, right.

and i didn't say anything.

i dreamt many other things that have been coming back to me, but i can only hold onto for a moment...little things, silly things. i told caroline that i enjoyed her more and more every time i got to see her perform. and i dreamt that i let chaucer, my cat, out for the night.

and just now i was looking out of the window of the front door and found that he was looking up at me from the other side. he must've snuck out when everyone got home last night.


1:05 a.m. - 2009-02-13
i dreamt that i kissed the bridge of his nose and then his lips. and he made a vaguely surprised noise when he realized that i wasn't playing.

tongues touched and that was it.

would it were that simple.


10:50 p.m. - 2009-02-04
all i seem to remember now is some pretty blonde girl was saying I mean you're always dressed like a hobo.

and then i remember there being some sort of liking sentiment, however.

and i was like um...thanks.

not feeling offended. merely curious.

and i have a vaguest recollection of actual hobos trying to climb into the hollow of a rotten tree...but no context remains.


7:41 p.m. - 2009-01-25
this morning i had strange dreams involving being in a hotel that i feel was adjacent to an amusement park that i've dreamt of before. and as i was waking up, i zoomed up to bus 5 and was coming up into the backyard and lena and someone else were crouched by the back of one of our cars...and i just kind of zoomed into the house and woke up.

i don't remember much else. i remember sitting in a circle of people and vaguely remember someone fighting. i remember someone having a pair of my underwear, semi-displayed, in their hotel room.


12:55 p.m. - 2009-01-22
i dreamt a dramatic reinterpretation of a moment that actually occurred, where in reality i was sitting in a car and holding up an eighth of snicklefritz to catch the dim light before i realize how obvious it is and gus is saying uh let's not do this in front of the guy's house.

only in the dream it's in front of a white door and i also have little avatar in my hand. and then i remember that it's illegal and start stuffing the bag into too-small pockets.

there was more. more interaction. but, as usual, there is no remembering it.


7:02 p.m. - 2009-01-19
lately my dreams have been vague and casual - interactions between familiar people, in beautiful houses. i remember the houses more than the interactions sometimes. a bit that i recall from a while back that i never wrote - i had a blanket wrapped around me and i was climbing up this ramp made very shakily of sheets of plywood and other such whatnotery.


3:22 a.m. - 2009-01-08
a reprieve
i dreamt of kelley. all i feel like i really remember now is a flash of her...sitting next to her, her looking at me fondly and with gentle confusion...and a moment when i drove away, trying to refresh the story in my dreammind by retracing steps that didn't really happen. i remember a truck and gravel roads and the sense that i was leaving her somewhere safe while i explored the strangeness of the situation...i remember speaking to someone about it...the fact that she was back, as though it were a natural phenomenon, and that i was faced with explaning to her what had happened. where she had been while she was dead. and the fact that she had killed herself and the events leading up to it.

the rest is fuzzy and i worry i've been adding things to the true and simple memory. but i think i explained myself and my part...the lies i told, the reasons behind them, and how thankful i was that it had been corrected. i remember her understanding. i remember things being healed. and i had her back. i had a second chance too.

it was a good dream. i wish i could remember it more strongly. and i hope she visits me again.


3:55 a.m. - 2008-12-28
Rooster Heist
i dreamt that garret and i were stealing the giant rooster with the face hole that they have at ...what's that place called...hearts? hartz. they have really good yeast rolls...anyway, we were going to steal it for bill and we had gone through all of this planning and plotting and we get there and go to lift it and it's as light as it would be if it were made of styrofoam and we're like Damn! This is actually really light!

and that's all i remember, looking up at this giant faceless rooster we'd hoisted up into the air.


3:42 a.m. - 2008-12-11
Super Powers
i had a dream that there was a tornado on armour road and it was maybe 100 feet away and as broad as the parking lot of that L shaped place with the lingerie shop. i watched it come from the sky, thin and cyclone shaped at first until it touched the ground and became a cylindrical wall of lightening streaked cloud and wind and dust. i was on foot and thinking - this is going to kill all these people. people were running and crawling and clawing at the pavement as they felt the pull of the winds as they tried to escape and i was thinking - i have to stop it. and my brain cranked into such a high gear in the dream that i woke myself up.



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